10 days of silence and intense meditation in paradise, Worcester, South Africa.
The experience has passed. But what is left of it, apart from a memory which can never be more than a story that changes its features, every time you tell it…?
There is a feeling of gratitude and appreciation. And also some resistance. Funnily enough there is the happiness of it being over and at the same time the wish to go straight back in again. As contradictory as life itself.
Actually, more than the wish to do another Vipassana, I would much rather do a 30 day solo retreat. And I am actually looking for such a possibility in the near future. If someone knows something which could be suitable and payable for me, please send me a message. I highly appreciate it.
I must say, that, for the majority of the time, it was so so so much easier than I had ever thought it would be. I don’t know what kind of monster, prior to the actual experience, I had created in my head, but more than 10 hours of sitting still in meditation per day seemed like a complete and infinitely impossible torture to me, which in some moments it was indeed.
So, we create a belief or an image in our head, which influences our actions sometimes even for a lifetime, without ever really experiencing it. Without ever experiencing the truth behind or in it or the essence of it. For 8 years I have been postponing this experience. Yes, I tried to sign in and wasn’t successful – but I never really tried. I was too scared.
And interestingly, every single person comes out with a completely different story. No surprise, but still surprising. Quite a few people I spoke to, didn’t have a single moment of physical pain, others were dying of agony, physical or emotional, some could easily do all the exercises, others were planning their future or contemplating the past constantly and could not really get out of their minds and into the sensations of their bodies. Some feel a lot and immediately, others at first feel nothing a.s.o And, of course, all of that also changes throughout the course, according with the law of impermanence, which is one of the main aspects of the Vipassana philosophy.
Annica, everything always changes.
So, for those who don’t know anything about Vipassana. You get exact instructions for the meditation practice and are basically encouraged to simply observe everything, without wanting to change it. Just observing it as it is. And you are asked to do this equanimously, without wanting/craving for a specific sensation, nor aborting any.
One thing is for sure in my case: also this time the experience was quite of a “mindfuck”. What do I mean by this? I mean the realizing how the mind takes over and wants to ponder in things that happened in the past or imaginations about something that might have, could have, should have happened or imaginations about the future or planning of something in the future. But this time the „mindfuck“ was not as continuous as I have experienced it in the two silence and meditation retreats that I did in the past 9 months.
Yes, this was already the third retreat for me within such a short time. But not only that did help me in my experience. I think, that 11-12 years of pretty persistant meditation practice, my visit and stay at a buddhist monastery in 2013, the Ki Song exercises I do since maybe 2011 and have been doing for a long time on a daily basis whenever possible (with a hand in cast it wasn’t, but apart from that, I was pretty good with keeping that up, even throughout most of my travels) and in the past half year before the Vipassana retreat, I didn’t miss a single day. Actually all the physical exercises that I have done, especially the Yoga, but also the dance, the capoeira etc. etc. helped to create a pretty good sense of Self and sense of my bodily sensations. The training as a massage therapist helped, the many (maybe about 80) massages I got and the awareness that has been created through all these wonderful steps in my life. And when something happens rather subtly, e.g. the process we make, the growth process, we think that it is not working or that it doesn’t have any effect. It does. It really does. I know this now.
If nothing else, this Vipassana course has shown me that everything I had done before in my life, was a step on the path and has helped me incredibly, without me even recognizing it.
Of course, there were many other benefits, which I will not all list here.
But let me tell you about my 7th day.
The first 6 days of the course had passed pretty quickly, apart from the 5th, which was quite of a struggle for me, especially regarding the physical pain and also my state of mind. On the 7th day of the experience, I had diarrhea, I had also just got my period, and my whole abdominal region was cramping and tense and really painful. I had a sore throat and I felt a little hot at times and weak most of the time. On top of all that, my stomach/intestines made loud noises, which made me feel ashamed. So every time my stomach made a noise in the quiet Dhamma hall, there was this feeling of shame coming up, despite all the other sensations. And it was quite of an interesting experience. I tried to stay as equanimous as I could and stated to myself „I wonder how long this sensation will stay“ and as soon as I had thought the thought, the feeling of shame was gone. At the end of that one hour of sitting, observing, sitting, observing,… my stomach was still screaming and shouting into the silence, where about 80 other people were sitting with me, and there wasn’t even a feeling of shame anymore. So by simply observing and not judging, you can actually, over a certain period of time through conscious practice, change patterns of yours which are not serving you or anyone else. But you won’t believe it, until you experience it yourself!
Despite this experience, there was something else that I had experienced before: behind all these dreadful emotions, existed a Wellbeing, which was so profound and powerful and embracing and accepting, that it blew me away. And it existed at the same time. I knew that this Wellbeing is always there. Something that, with a little practice we can access at any time. It wasn’t the first time that I had felt this overwhelming Wellbeing, but it is always new and always very powerful.
That was a pretty amazing meditation! Very eyes opening and very instructive!
Respective the last three or four days of this Vipassana course, I had still some stomach cramps, but my meditations got pretty deep and I didn’t have any pain in my legs or back or neck anymore whatsoever. No blind spots, internal and externally. I really enjoyed these last days and meditations, trying not to create a craving for them always being like that.
At a certain point, I even thought: Can’t there be a little pain? This is so boring. Hahaha! No cravings, not even for pain, sorry! …said my buddha-mind.
Of course, there were many challenges – the smells around me, people who really had very strong and in no way pleasant smells about them, people burping and farting, people coughing their lungs out… (love them, they are ignorant, and therefore love them even more, as Goenkaji said)… and, of course, the task of simply observing without judging, without craving or aborting. For an olfactory person like me quite a challenge, trust me on that one. In this way you also come to terms with your own patterns and issues and beliefs and and and…
I must say, that I would have preferred complete silence without being asked questions and having to answer them, even though I understand that it is meant as a help to see where in the process everyone is and to give support if and when wanted. Still, mauna (noble silence) in my world, is without communicating and especially without talking whatsoever. I enjoy silence so so much!!!
And I have got my issues with one specific topic, that I brought up in a long letter to the Vipassana community. This one matter I really struggled with, is, that there are the precepts one has to take before doing a course, two of which are ‘no steeling’ and ‘no killing’, which includes no actions towards any beings that cause them any suffering. The lecture on the second day is all about this, all about wholesome actions. This said, dairy products are offered at the centre. Not a lot, but still, the quantity does not matter. This makes the whole framework shaky, to me at least. Never have I heard of a cow that willingly offers her milk to a human (so that is steeling) and the whole process to get milk from a cow or any other milk producing animal, causes the animal a lot of suffering (getting it pregnant, then after giving birth taking away the calf, then being chained and milked by a machine until the teats bleed, when the animal doesn’t produce any more milk, the whole process starts again and again and again…). No wonder that a captivated cow only lives a 6th to a 10th of the lifetime of a cow in nature. Apart from that, however, the food was vegan.
I agree to what Einstein said:
„Those who have the privilege to know, have a duty to act.“
Alright. That’s it. I did not manage to have no rejection (abortion, as they say) towards this specific matter. Buddhism is all about Love and Compassion towards all living beings. And this, in my regard, has to include all actions that cause any being any harm or suffering, especially when it is unnecessary (we do not need it, we just want it). However, you see that, yes, I am very passionate about animal’s rights.
I could go on and write forever about my personal experience. But I would like to leave it here.
For sure, I am happy to have done it. Even though, I was more than happy to go back to my own daily practice, I have integrated the bodily awareness or awareness of the sensations into my practice and I also practice Vipassana meditation and the famous Metta Bhavana/Loving-Kindness Meditation after my physical buddhist exercises. Even though, I have always been doing that in my before meal meditation, which I very much love. I meditate in the evenings, too, now. Even though, this is sometimes not so easy to fit in, so far I have managed every day.
And, as we wish in the Metta Bhavana Loving-Kindness Meditation
May all beings be peaceful
May all beings be happy
May all beings be well
May all beings be free
May all beings be love
May you be peaceful
May you be happy
May you be well
May you be free
May you be love
Have a wonderful day full of magic and wonders and enjoy all your sensations without any judgement, any craving, any abortion 😉
My love for sure is with you,
Elena
elontour 